Is Merging Possible in Your Current Relationship?
As humans, we love to deeply connect with others. However, this isn’t something that actually happens very often in many people’s lives. We end up living quite separately and feeling quite alone and unsure as to how to fix this.
When I began teaching tantra, I called my school “Fusion Tantra” because the goal was to truly feel that fusion between two lovers, between ourselves and God, between ourselves and our children etc.
To truly feel that connection.
But over the years, people have really struggled with this because it seemed impossible in the romantic relationship that they had at the time.
I recently launched a new program called “Living in Masculine & Feminine Union”. This really excited me because I believe that this is how we truly are meant to interact – to truly redefine the masculine and feminine (not genders) in every interaction so that we truly connect deeply and create a oneness as opposed to staying separate.
We can see this merging in giving and receiving, talking and listening, protecting and being vulnerable, structure and chaos, etc. These are all the ways that we interact with another person. And there is a way to do it that is all about power which separates us and there’s a way to do it that is loving which not only brings us closer, we actually experience a bliss state.
As students took my new course, many said that the ideas that I was teaching were interesting but they couldn’t imagine a relationship where they could actually do it. All of their relationships had so many issues, they couldn’t imagine being truly open and kind and allowing that kind of connection with others.
So, I realized that there are three kinds of connection: combative, neutral, and merging.
This is where all of your relationships are about power and being right. When we speak to each other, we are “talking at” the other person and the other is forced to listen. We give things to people that they don’t want – opinions, gifts with strings attached, sex, abuse. We are afraid to be vulnerable because we will be taken advantage of. We are controlling because we are afraid of losing the other, etc.
In this dynamic, the two people stay very energetically separate in bubbles with thick, safety walls.
So, any possibility of a tantric, merging connection is not only impossible, it is totally unsafe.
And in these relationships, redefining the masculine and feminine is irrelevant because everyone is just trying to hold their own.
Some relationships are built upon having little or no actual interaction at all. Each person is totally independent and whole in themselves. We may be married. We may be parent and child. We may be friends. We may be comfortable life partners. But there is no actual interaction energetically.
This is a wonderful step up from being combative. So, this is why we often choose this kind of relationship if we have grown up in a combative home or our last relationship was difficult. We will always prefer the safety of total independence and neutrality.
However, here too, there is no chance of true masculine/feminine interaction because neither person ever comes out of wholeness to merge with another.
Therefore, there is no chance of real merging in a tantric, blissful way either.
But everyone is safe… and that is also a good thing.
3) Open & Trusting
So, let’s say that you have had a lovely restful, healing time in neutral relationships. You no longer believe that the other person is going to hurt you. You aren’t waiting for the other shoe to drop because life can’t really be this good.
Perhaps you’re feeling a little stagnant and bored and wonder what it would be like to truly merge with another person. You are feeling safe enough to try.
This is where the redefinition of the masculine and feminine is valuable. This is where we can truly read each other and have the joyful dance that leads us to become one.
It is when you start in a healthy, whole place and you see someone in need, so you give them what they need. It is when someone asks a question and we answer honestly and both are “in conversation together” as opposed to someone simply talking and the other feeling obligated to listen.
It is feeling safe to be totally vulnerable because the other person will hold you in silence while you dig deep into wherever you need to go. It is consciously leading others where you know that they want to go.
So, can we still study Tantra or the Masculine and Feminine if we aren’t in a relationship that has merging potential? Yes.
If you are currently in combative relationships (yes, it will likely be many of your relationships… not just your partner), then redefining the masculine and feminine gives a new blueprint for what is possible and what to aim for either re-wiring your current relationship or knowing what is possible in the next.
If you are currently in neutral relationships in most of your life, then this redefinition gives a new, safe and blissful possibility that you can grow with. Sometimes, we stay neutral forever because we think that the options are being alone energetically or being in a combative relationship. But there is truly a third option.
And if you are in relationships that have merging potential, then you likely intrinsically already know what I am teaching. Studying this just gives us words and a framework to understand what is happening… and also helps us share the concepts with our partners, friends, and children.
All we really need to know is what we can expand into next – from wherever we are – whether our world is combative, neutral or ready for merging, there is always a wonderful next step to bring us a bit closer to what we truly desire.
If you would like to explore tantra or the union of the masculine & feminine, please check out:
- Foundations for Tantric Intimacy (for individuals or couples): https://www.katrinabos.ca/foundations-tantric-intimacy
- Living in Masculine & Feminine Union: https://www.katrinabos.ca/masculine-feminine-union