Why Many Women Don't Have Orgasms
Did you know that only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during sexual intercourse?
According to an analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years by Elisabeth Lloyd in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm, 50% of women have orgasms sometimes, 20% seldom do and 5% never have orgasms.
Can you imagine?
As I travelled around the world attending workshops in tantra and conscious sexuality, there were always a number of women who couldn’t feel pleasure because their clitoris and vagina were completely numb and there was at least one woman at every retreat who had NEVER experienced an orgasm – even after decades of having sex.
Many of the women that I work with have lost their desire for sex, have been abused and are fearful, or think that there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the pleasure that they hear other women talk about.
Let’s look at some reasons why.
1) Vaginas are not Cylinders for Penises.
In procreative sex, the penis pumps the vagina, gaining excitement in order to focus all the orgasmic energy to shoot sperm through a tunnel to hopefully impregnate an egg. This is similar to winding up a toy car and then letting it go. It’s great fun. And in this case, the vagina is truly the vessel for the penis to become excited within and to help direct the sperm where it needs to go.
But beyond this procreative sex model, the vagina (also called yoni) has much greater capacity. She is an organ with luscious folds and muscles and, quite honestly, a mind of her own when she is happy and excited.
In the procreative model, she must be tight. But this lessens her sensitivity for pleasure in the same way that a fighter tightens his abdominal muscles in order to take a punch. The tighter the yoni is (and the harder the penis is), the less sensitivity there is. As the years go on, and she has more and more procreative-style sex, her yoni naturally becomes de-sensitized – like armour – since she is always having to be tight for the penis to be ramming in and out. She is literally protecting herself with every thrust. There are times when this is enjoyable. But an armour is created nonetheless.
But when she is allowed to be relaxed and have connected intercourse, her walls are allowed to come alive. When the penis enters and “plugs in” without continually “unplugging”, she is able to relax completely and truly feel what is going on. Depending on the pleasure she is feeling, her walls might start to oscillate – literally rolling in waves of pleasure along the shaft of the penis. This is often described as the yoni “milking” the penis… which is incredibly pleasurable for both partners.
With every wave of pleasure that her yoni experiences, the delicate nerve-endings in her vaginal walls send waves of pleasure throughout her whole body. She will feel this orgasmic flow all the way to her fingertips and the top of her head. Her partner simply needs to stay connected to her and they can ride this incredible orgasmic wave together.
2) Her Heart Must be Open
We are magnetic creatures. In many tantra schools, we learn that a woman’s positive pole is her heart and her yoni is negative. The positive pole “gives” and the negative pole “receives”. (It is the opposite in men… hence the circular energy flow that is possible in intercourse.)
If you want the negative pole to be activated, you must stimulate the positive pole. (If we stimulate a woman’s negative pole through aggressive clitoral stimulation, as pleasurable as this is, it causes the yoni to tighten and become positive. The pressure will build in her similar to a penis and she will want release. This can feel very good. But it leads to “friction sex” and doesn’t allow for full-body orgasmic flow.)
Stimulating the positive pole can be through caressing the breasts in a way that is enjoyable to her. This can be challenging since many women’s breasts and nipples have become de-sensitized through breast-feeding and rough handling. Many women say that they feel nothing in their breasts… but with gentle, conscious touch and healing, this wonderful sensitivity can be brought back.
But the greater way to stimulate her positive pole is through LOVE.
It is through true connection and open-hearted love that her positive pole is the most stimulated. It is through showing your love by doing kind things for her, connecting intimately with her and simply loving her completely that will fill her heart the most. When a woman feels loved, her yoni will naturally open and she will long to merge with you. But if the love comes with strings attached, she will stay protected and closed.
3) Healing the Feeling of Being Used
The tantra teacher Barry Long used to say that “Women are tired of being used as men’s sexual spittoons.”
This might seem harsh. But historically, it is very accurate. Women had roles in the home and in the marital relationship. They weren’t supposed to say no to sex. They were married. It was their obligation.
It was only the sexual revolution of the 60s that truly made it widespread that women could enjoy sex and have orgasms. For centuries before that, it wasn’t even believed that it was possible (let alone important). So, it certainly wasn’t focused on.
Just imagine how much painful and unwanted sex women felt (or were) forced to have.
This is the historical foundation for our heterosexual relationships today. Phantoms of this history still live within us as fears, trauma and the ideas that we still hold about sex and committed relationships.
But now we are learning what it means to truly make love.
In tantric intimacy, we often teach non-ejaculatory sex. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with ejaculating – it is an important part of procreative sex. But in order to go beyond the procreative model, we must imagine being intimate for the intention of connection and simply making love. The intention and goal of ejaculation keeps us locked in the small box of procreation when our goal is to experience what is beyond it.
In many of the couples that I work with, the women would love to try making love with their partner without the need to ejaculate. They don’t enjoy sex any more. They have had too much unwanted sex already. Their bodies have shut down.
But the idea of just being loving – of gentle touch for simple pleasure – of being close – of feeling loved… Yes, they want this very much.
But Things are Changing
We are now seeking something more. We know that there is so much more to sexuality and intimacy than the generations before us. We have rights and freedom and choice that our grandparents couldn’t have imagined.
We are learning what our bodies are about – far beyond our animal instincts and abilities to procreate.
We are learning how to play with the divine and infinite parts of ourselves.
We are understanding what miracles our bodies truly are – inside and out.
We once chased orgasm because we thought that that was the ultimate (which is true in procreative sex). But now the true goal is to be totally orgasmic. This is our true nature.
And as women learn how to be this way, we will no longer be chasing the orgasm. We will not worry about having an orgasm this time or the next time.
We will simply be orgasmic – all day long – and definitely in the bedroom.